Naive. Alone. Controlled. Abused. Denial. Trapped. Lost. Found. New Beginnings. The Lesson.
If my marriage was turned into a book, each of these words would represent a chapter. Chapter 9 being my favorite, because it would tell of the day that I was finally - free.
NAIVE
Sometimes I wonder if I was ever happy, and the answer is yes, of course; but in hindsight, only superficially. It's funny how you can see so clearly once you've passed through a situation. Once you've gained the experience, wisdom, and maturity from it.
At the age of 20, I had committed myself, or rather chained myself to my first husband in a small Justice of The Peace ceremony in Vegas. Despite all the warning signs and my own families disapproval, I made this life altering decision with the naive hope that our "love" would outweigh the red flags and issues the relationship had seen in our dating stages. I soon would find out within the first year, that marriage itself does not erase prior concerns or negative behaviors; instead it amplifies them.
My husband joined the army and graduated basic training, shortly after we said I do. I dropped out of school, sold my car, left my sunny Californian skies and followed this man to the opposite coast where we began our lives together in Fort Drum, New York.
ALONE
Let's just say the honeymoon phase lasted a "New York minute." I had never felt so alone. My culture shock was something called, Army Life. While he was gone all day training and doing what new army recruits do, I was home alone with just my thoughts. No friends, no car to take me exploring, and a very basic phone plan with limited minutes. Yes limited minutes, as this was pre-unlimited plans, Instagram, TikTok and even phone Internet. Although Facebook had just surfaced, I was still using MySpace. I was however, able to access a computer with Internet at one of his coworkers homes, whenever we’d visit for an hour or so since we did not have a computer of our own. Entertainment was limited. So, to fill my void, I decided I needed a baby and I needed one yesterday.
CONTROLLED
Just two months after arriving in New York I became pregnant with my first son. Normally this would be a time of joy, but rising stress from not having enough money or resources took precedent. Discord in my marriage grew larger by the day and I was quickly regretting all of my recent life decisions. Soon after, the discord turned into abuse. I'll never forget the night I was screamed at and physically thrown out of my small one bedroom apartment into the freezing snow, because I had gone over my cell phone minutes. I was around 6 months pregnant, barefoot, and draped in nothing but a sheer nightgown. As the door slammed in my face and I heard the lock turn, a state of shock flooded over me. I just stood there for what seemed an eternity trying to figure out what to do next. I didn't have my phone, so I couldn't call anyone. I was too embarrassed to go to the neighbors. I still had no friends. So I just stood there and knocked until he finally opened the door and let me back in.
ABUSED
It was at that moment when I felt my sense of control stripped away from me for the first time. I wanted to yell, I wanted to scream, I wanted to hurt him for treating me this way. But, I was thousands of miles away from the safety and comfort of my family and friends. So, I just took it, because I was fully reliant on this man for all of my basic needs.
I remember locking myself in the bedroom and calling his aunt to tattle on him as a child would do. Thinking that she might be the only one to get through to him. Although she tried, the attempts were futile. I continued to endure the cycle of abuse for several years - emotional, physical, and even sexual abuse were no strangers to me over the next nine years. I was disheartened, because I felt like there was nothing I could do about it. My strong Christian upbringing taught me divorce was not an option unless he cheated on me, which at this point he had not or least I could not prove it. So, I was just trapped in a roller coaster marriage with no exit plan.
DENIAL
I’d often remember Maya Angelou's famous quote, "When a person shows you who they are the first time, believe them." I would ask myself why didn't I just believe him. The truth is, the majority of people, especially women, don’t want to see what they are shown. So, we give multiple chances until we end up scarred emotionally, and sometimes even physically, as was in my case. I ignored the ever so wise Maya and continued to try for my marriage.
TRAPPED
I was so far in denial that I thought having another baby would solve everything and give us a fresh start. By this time we had moved to our next duty station in Fort Sill, Oklahoma. I had a new job and now a house on base. Adding a new baby in the mix just seemed like the next logical step. I remembered how volatile my first pregnancy was, but I truly believed that we were in a better place in our marriage.
LOST
I thought having a second baby would erase the past and create a new future. However, the day the stick turned pink, I realized I couldn't have been more wrong. He had just that quickly returned to his usual self. My feelings, my hopes, my dreams were continually dismissed by him. Although I always had a smile on my face, on the inside I was lost and operating in survival mode just to keep the peace.
FOUND
My saving grace was when I was introduced the woman I call my Sister to this day. My coworker invited me to church and told me about a woman who was also from California and that we should meet. We instantly clicked and she became the big sister that I never had. She gave me hope, joy, laughter, and wisdom. She was my advocate when I couldn't advocate for myself. She was the only one during this time that I could be myself around. I often joked with her about the many hats that she wore in my life. She was my mother, my lawyer, my life coach, my nutritionist, my financial advisor, my secret keeper, my argument text writer, my shopping partner in crime. My forever-friend. She made me see my worth. She reminded me of the strength that I had locked away inside of me. She saw things in me that I couldn't and she helped me to rebuild all the things that my husband had torn down. I never would have been able to get through the last 7 years of my marriage without her.
Three legal separations, one restraining order, and two deployments later, I arrived in Fort Benning, Georgia kicking and screaming. I had just left not only my sister, but also my dream job that I was only able to work in for four months prior to our move. Such was military life.
Thankfully another deployment called for my husband shortly after arriving to Georgia. During this year I remembered all that my sister had taught me and began to come out from behind my husband's shadow. I grew mentally, spiritually, and even physically. I had friends. I went back to school and got my degree. I found a church home to embrace me and I even hosted bible study in my home. Best of all, I lost 40lbs of weight that I had been holding onto for the years after my second son. I remember some nights crying out to God and asking him to free me from my marriage. I felt like a horrible wife for asking such a thing, but with my husband's return from overseas imminent, I knew I couldn't go back to the scared, timid, submissive girl he married 10 years prior, just to keep the peace.
NEW BEGINNINGS
Shortly after his return from deployment God answered my prayers. I discovered a relationship on his phone he was having with another woman. My anger and sadness was quickly replaced with a flood of relief. Then, I told him what I had discovered and that I was DONE. I divorced him and moved into my own place.
As I turned 30 that year I remember the mix of emotions between freedom and defeat. I felt like I was supposed to have it all together by 30. I should have been building a family and settling down, not starting all over again. But God placed hope in my spirit. I became closer to Him than I ever had been and our relationship truly grew. Thus discovering who I really was.
I had been divorced for nearly a year and my time of singleness was spent mostly finding myself. As time went on, I felt the tug for having a healthy relationship. I began posting this prayer request to my closet wall, asking God to let my path cross with someone who could be my best friend, my confidant, and love me for who I was unconditionally while also accepting my children as his own.
I must say, the dating scene had completely changed since I had entered it 12 years ago. I had some new and hard lessons to learn as I navigated single life, but I would never forget Maya’s lesson, “...believe people when they show you the first time.” I know I was made for companionship and God knew the desires of my heart.
One day while trying a new dating app that my friend told me about for busy individuals like myself, I saw him. There was a kindness in his eyes, and his smile reminded me of the happiness I used to feel. I swiped right and my life has never been the same since.
We talked on the phone and used FaceTime for a week before we had our first date. It may sound crazy, but by the end of that first date I knew he was different from all the others. Weeks went by but it felt like months and there was always a familiarness to him. We never had to force love, we were drowning in it from the moment we met. One month after us meeting, we were engaged. To some it may have been a shock that we were moving so fast, but you can be in a relationship for 10 years and feel nothing and yet be in a relationship for four weeks and feel everything. What I discovered is that time is not a measure of love.
Though we had only known each other a few weeks, our souls had known each other for a lifetime. He showed me what love really was and he loved me in a way that I had only dreamed about. 7 months later I married my best friend. 5 years later as I sit on the porch of our first home listening to the pitter-patter of my three year old miracle baby laugh and run through the house, I realize I am more in love with him now than I ever was. You will be amazed what happens when you give God the pen and allow him to write your love story. He has blessed us tremendously and I can't wait to see what God has in store for the next chapter of my life.
THE LESSON
You may have never been married or maybe you’re recently divorced - still anxious to find “The One”. Well, scripture tells us in Philippians 4:6, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;” Do this first… then wait.
Wait for your new beginnings. Wait for the one who brings out the best in you. Wait for the one who makes you smile past an ugly day. Wait for the one who adores you and wants to show you off to the world. Wait for the one who values the time you spend together. And most of all wait for the one who loves you with heart and soul - the first time.
We all deserve this kind of love. I am so happy and blessed to have found mine. My name is Gabriella Barber, and I am a ReWriter.